Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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