Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
