How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
