i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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