Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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