the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
