so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
