I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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