Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
