FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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