so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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