She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
