Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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