every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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