How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
