White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Still dying that you shit outside
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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