i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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