dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
