Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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