my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
