I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
