Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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