Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
