Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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