im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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