Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
this hospital has no fireball
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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