I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
