Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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