JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
