when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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