apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
