evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
