gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
