got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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