Kiss
Puke
I'm gonna have a badass scar
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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