Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
