Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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