I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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