Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
