Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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