found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
