I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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