my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
