My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There's a naked man in my car right now.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
