At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
