dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
