If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
