By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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