I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
