3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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