i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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