Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
