I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
