I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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