So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
