two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
