24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
