if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
