Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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