You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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