i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
