Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
