you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
