I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
